Margie, the usual with this. Break up into separate memos and send to the right people. Use the same opening for everyone.
FROM: SONY PICTURE DEVELOPMENT
Gentlemen, what the fuck? What happened to all the fucking recommendations I MADE about Stealth!!! Goddamit, if you had listened to me we’d have a blockbuster instead of this dog.
1) Ass. I told you to write into Jessica Biel’s contract a minimum of 150 ass shots. I watched that fucking movie three times in a row and I only counted 138 ass shots out of the 138 times she’s on-screen. The cameraman is good, I like it that no matter what’s she’s doing, he gets her ass in the shot somehow. But we need to get even more ass. When she says, “So what are the flight plans?” I want her leaning over and the camera tight on her ass. When she’s eating, she should drop the fucking napkin so we can get a shot of her ass. If she’s fixing her plane, she should wiggle into it, so only her ass is showing. Ass! See attached picture if you’ve forgotten what an ass looks like. What the fuck do you think she’s in the picture for?
2) Theme song. What is the matter with you people? You can’t understand a word anyone is singing in the whole fucking movie, except when the black kid does “Family Affair” before he starts that rapping crap. I told you to look at Team America: World Police (and I still want a cost comparison of the money we would have saved if we had used puppets, too). Those boys are geniuses. Why didn’t we have a theme song like…
Stealth, FUCK YEAH!We should have kids all over America singing, “Stealth, FUCK YEAH!”
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
Stealth, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer to,
Stealth, FUCK YEAH!
3) Recut. Edit. Reshoot. We may still be able to save this bomb. Pull it and then do the following for a re-release. First, toss everything when the kids are talking, whether it’s on the boat or on the beach. Use ass shots instead (see #1).
I don’t care if the black kid did win an Oscar, run him into a mountain sooner. That should make the girl sad, and she’ll need to shtup the white kid (and show her ass) to be happy again. And I like it when she falls out of the plane, but her pants should blow off or catch on fire or something.
And we need more explosions. Lots more explosions. Have the boat blow up. If they’re in a building, it should blow up. If they’re in a restaurant, blow it up. Even better have terrorists show up and start shooting, and then blow it up. Everything should be blown up by the end of the movie… except the girl and white kid. They should kiss. She should show her ass.
4) Finally, what's with all the lawsuits? We got clowns from Kubrick’s estate saying we ripped off 2001 because of some fucking red camera eye? Hey, that was four years ago, isn’t there a statue of limits or something covering that? And now we got an old TV show saying we ripped off their idea, too? Give me a fucking break.
I say we do what we should have done in the first place and drop the whole robot plane thing – I always thought it sounded a little faygeleh anyway – and just have the kids ride around in their planes and blow things up. When they’re on the ground terrorists should try to blow them up. Every now and then someone gets killed, and the kids get sad and then they should shtup and show ass and then go blow up the terrorists. How many times do I have to say this? We should have a movie half as good as Team America: World Police if we’re going to get fucking sued for ripping people off.
Gentlemen, I’m giving you a month to fix this piece of shit. One month. By September, I expect to be walking down the street and hearing kids sing, “Stealth, FUCK YEAH!” or asses are going to be kicked.
MS/mb/Dictated but not read